A little over 6 months ago, for the first time, I experienced the loss of someone very close to me.
He wasn’t sick for very long.
Diagnosed in late November with an incurable, aggressive cancer, caused by inhalation of asbestos many years ago, he was given a year to live.
He deteriorated rapidly in February, was admitted to hospital and left this world less than 3 weeks later.
Since then I have been trying to adjust to the massive hole left in my life by his departure.
I have been trying to come to terms with those last few weeks of his life and the suffering he endured.
I have gone over it all thousands of times in my head.
There’s not a day I don’t think about him.
Grief is something I’m just beginning to learn about.
It’s an emotion I have the rest of my life to experience.
And there is no doubt about it, my life is changed forever.
My biggest challenge has been moving through resistance to allow myself to grieve.
Somewhere along the way I told myself I had to be strong.
Without realising, I resisted moving forward in my life.
On a trip to Ireland last week, while crossing a narrow beam across a fast moving river, I found myself unable to lift my foot to take a step forward.
Paralysed with fear, it was in that moment that I had the realisation that I wasn’t allowing myself to take the next steps forward in my life because I was afraid.
I did go on to walk across that beam, twice, and it helped me to get clear on what I was resisting.
I was holding onto him in many ways that weren’t allowing me to grieve.
I was resisting grieving because of fear.
Fear of forgetting him, fear of letting him go.
My inner child was kicking up a storm.
Later that day, in a seaweed bath, I finally moved through the resistance enough to go into a meditation with my inner child and I realised how distressed that aspect of me was.
How resistant that part of me was to let go of my Dad.
I was always a Daddy’s girl. The baby of the family. I loved him so much.
And it was that little girl inside me that was terrified to go on with my life without him.
I felt better after meditating with my inner child and it was only a few days later at a sound bath that I realised how much I was still holding on and not letting go of my emotions.
There was some feelings of shame at bursting into uncontrollable sobbing, like a child, at the end of the sound bath. But I felt such a huge release.
After six months of holding on and not letting my emotions flow, there was an eruption of tears and pain.
Grief comes in waves. Resistance to feeling any of it just intensifies it.
The only way to deal with it, is to let it flow.
Some days you cry all day, some days you don’t cry at all.
With grief, there’s no sense in trying to be strong.
You have to allow the feelings to flow through you.
However that looks for you day to day.
I’m learning to stop judging myself so much through this process.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone will go through the loss of a loved one and deal with it differently.
For me right now, it’s focusing on moving forward with my life, being in flow and treasuring all the memories I have with my Dad.
Keeping him in my heart until we meet again.
If you are struggling with grief or loss and you don’t know how to take the next steps to develop your own toolkit of coping with a range of emotions you may be feeling, there are a couple of ways I can help you.
Energy alignment session – this will help you balance your energy and break repeating patterns. Which will allow you to process what it is keeping you stuck or feeling like you can’t let go and move forward. This energy work is powerful and works on a multi-dimensional level through my connection to Source. I had a number of these sessions myself while going through the process of losing my Dad and in the months afterwards. I found they helped me clear my energy, remember who I am and what my energy feels like which then allowed me to find some focus when I was feeling emotionally overloaded and so stressed out. If this is resonating for you, send me a message and we can look at getting a time booked in.
Inner child classes – This work helps you to heal trauma in a safe and fun way. When I took these classes 5 years ago, I experienced such a huge shift in my personality. It blew me away how fast it happened without me really realising how much I had let go of. So many of us are holding onto energy that doesn’t belong to us or we are ready to drop and holding onto it keeps us feeling emotional and in pain. I still use the same tools to this day when I am struggling with a situation, person or feeling. The best part about this work is that its FUN! When we are having fun and healing ourselves, we release so much more. I am in the final stages of completing my training to teach these powerful exercises and I am opening up spaces to work with me in October. If you feel you are ready to take this step to deepen your connection to yourself, send me a message and we can arrange an interview to see if we are a good fit to do this deep work together. From there I will be taking deposits to secure your place.
All of these sessions can take place via Zoom online video conferencing or if in London, in person.